in my restless heart

February 26, 2012 - Leave a Response

i don’t really remember how long the silence lasted for.
if ‘long enough’ was a unit of time measurement… then that’s how long it lasted.
just like that I was gone.
so far from that conversation… that phone call… from my own mind.
it’s a place I’ve been retreating to for a while…
and I hate that it’s become such a welcoming home.
I hate that this is where I feel the most safe.
nothingness.
absolutely blank.

“i’m sorry” I whispered through tears.

“i forgive you…

I’m sorry too”

and fuck… inside of me there is so much anger
so much disappointment.

how do I feel?
I feel like I want God to be sorry too.
for showing me one of the most incredible people in this fucking world.
for putting in front of me one of the best people I’ve ever met.
and yet… for letting me slip away.
to my retreat.
of nothingness.
of emptiness.
for not letting it work.
not because of time… or the distance… but because of me.

I don’t really remember how long that silence lasted for.
the receiver went quiet.
my end when quiet.
and that was it.

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love your neighbour

February 24, 2012 - Leave a Response

“you wouldn’t, wig. you wouldn’t”


it’s a question we all hear a lot really.

what it is that we invest most of our dreams into…
“what’s more important, your work overseas, or the people you love here?”

these days i’m not too sure what scares me the most.
that when i reflect on my life, i see how little of it is actually ‘me’.
that happiness isn’t a priority.
that my mind is constantly aching to become the person i wish i was…
in line with the needs of humanity.

“i suppose we all would like to believe that we listen to the people that we love. when people ask me what’s the most important thing to me… i’ll answer God, and my family and my friends. but how fucking true really is that? how many times andy, have i let my family down because i’m at an oaktree event… or studying for an exam… or on a come down from exhaustion? and i don’t regret it. at all. i should but i don’t. because if they asked me to stop, i’d do what i’ve always done… i’d ignore it. and yet, in that same breath, if anyone from oaktree asked me to give up my family: again, i’d never allow that to happen. because…. i suppose… neither are the enemy. but at the same time, i’d let go of the thing that compromised my purpose in this world”

i knew there was little sense in my rambles.

“you wouldn’t give it all up, wig…. you wouldn’t”
yes… yes i would.
i think that’s what scares me the most.
does that make me heartless.

when divided

February 14, 2012 - Leave a Response

i think there is something about valentines day that I seem to miss…

something important

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destroy from the inside

February 13, 2012 - Leave a Response

the sun had set
leaving that deep teal wash over the bay
i don’t seem to remember much these days
things blur from one moment to the next so quickly
and for a while now i’ve been playing catch up.

you had my hand one moment,
and the next we were wrestling through the sand…
layers separating us from the cold.
i wonder what people would think if they saw us from a distance…

 what would i think if i saw us from a distance?

do those two people know what they’ve found?
do they know how lost they’ve become along the way?

is it possible?

“i want to be a good girlfriend to you”


right now… i just have no idea what the fuck that means.

bloom

February 13, 2012 - Leave a Response

“you grow, you grow
like tornado
you grow from the inside”

snuggly pie

February 13, 2012 - Leave a Response

i miss you.
the way you were.
the way you are.

“i didn’t want to let you go”

screaming it.
over and over and over.

“i didn’t want to let you go”

if we let go now,
then why didn’t we do it
a long time ago.

i still read your blog.
but i know you won’t post.

i really do miss you.

that’s not why i came by

January 14, 2012 - Leave a Response

God only knows what I’d be without you.

there

January 14, 2012 - Leave a Response

remember these girls.
the girls you know now.
the girls you shared your lunch hour with.
the girls you didn’t want to share your lunch with because you had hot chips.
the girls who have big dreams.
remember them.
and remember yourself.
because in years to come when we reunite,
we’ll just be the girls who used to be dreaming.
we’ll look at ourselves and say:
“but i’ve always been like this”
our paths over the next five years,
the next ten years,
the next fifteen years,
will be outward reflections of who we’ve always been.
so when we do see each other again,
we’ll be seen as the glorified version of our 18 year old self.
the parts of us that made it through all the crap and survived
to define ourselves just a little bit more.
so remember yourself now,
remember what people will compare you to one day when you’re together again.
remember those girls.
the girls who had dreams.
the girls who felt those dreams.
and compare them not to what they do or become,
but to what they believe in.
because each of us was given a beautiful opportunity to know one another.
don’t wait five years,
or ten years,
or fifteen… or twenty… or fifty
to say: “i can’t remember who you are” to any one of those girls…
only to discover that that girl is you.
don’t be that girl.
don’t let anyone else be that girl.
because you are beautiful now, and you’ll be beautiful then.
memorise yourself.
memorise your scars,
your stretch marks,
memorise the heart that needs to move onto bigger and better things.
because you’re worth knowing.
you’re worth remembering

and i’m glad i knew you.

bahhha

January 14, 2012 - Leave a Response

i seriously have the biggest list of things i need to do.
one of these tasks being: move out…
and yet, i found myself sleeping for fifteen hours
and extending my crush on the fanning sisters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7TJjjZ9yGw

just because you call some people blind, doesn’t automatically give you vision

January 13, 2012 - Leave a Response

after an intense morning of procrastinating i’ve stumbled across some pretty interesting videos and reading some pretty intense stuff.
you can check some of them out here:

This is where I started:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY&feature=player_embedded

I then took a look at a critic’s response to the video:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Ftheamericanjesus.net%2F%3Fp%3D4970&h=CAQFrc3Y1AQFEM2MdOFu0P-s5ntMVobz6wTdF8bvRRPnGKQ
I don’t blame you if you don’t get too far into it.
overall I found the piece pretty arrogant.
the same sort of thing that makes me wonder whether or not I truly AM a Christian.

And see I think that’s the problem I had with some of the stuff I’ve been reading and watching this morning.
stuff like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-4ojgpDaOE which (if you can’t be bothered watching it) basically has an attack at Christians who date unbelievers.

I have a problem because they all have these answers as to how we should all be living.
answers that they derived from the bible.
and we’re meant to live by the answers that have the most qualifications next to them.
it’s the endless amount of arrogance and pride that I can’t stand.
I can’t stand pride.
I can’t stand Christian pride, I can’t stand private school pride, I can’t stand gay pride.
because it’s pride that pushes people out,
with a big sign that says “you’re not us, and I’m proud of it”.
what  I want is “equality pride”
all men and women are the same: beautiful.

Yeah I watched the videos, yeah I read my bible, and yeah: sometimes I go to church.
and I just feel so freaking tired by all of it.
by all of the times I’ll say to a Christian “I’m fucking exhausted” and their response will be
“go fix it… go read your bible”.
why?
“because it’s the divine word of God”.
well great. That’s handy,
pity I’m not trained up to read the divine word.
pity I wasn’t around when these stories were written.
pity they are all interpretations recorded by men who lived thousands of years ago.
I can’t stand the labels we put on everything and everyone.
“Jesus was a good guy, he spent time with whores and cripples”
really? He was a good guy for doing that? He made it normal to love… and what do we do? We make it abnormal by telling them they’re the lower levels of society, and that because Jesus hung out with them, he was a good man.
Jesus wasn’t a good man because he hung out with whores and cripples,
he was a good man because he never thought of them in the context of being whores and cripples.
they were what we all are: simply human beings.

So when i stumbled across this guy… I felt a little bit more relieved.
although he still has this ‘label’ thing going on… he took me back to what i believe:
that we were made to love.
that it’s okay to not fix all problems.
that it’s okay to just catch your breath and recoup.
and that’s what seemed to lack from the stuff i’ve been watching and reading all morning: humility in the context of compassion.
so yeah, like this guy… i’m sorry i’m a Christian too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EieFdXy_HwM