Archive for February, 2012

in my restless heart
February 26, 2012

i don’t really remember how long the silence lasted for.
if ‘long enough’ was a unit of time measurement… then that’s how long it lasted.
just like that I was gone.
so far from that conversation… that phone call… from my own mind.
it’s a place I’ve been retreating to for a while…
and I hate that it’s become such a welcoming home.
I hate that this is where I feel the most safe.
absolutely blank.

“i’m sorry” I whispered through tears.

“i forgive you…

I’m sorry too”

and fuck… inside of me there is so much anger
so much disappointment.

how do I feel?
I feel like I want God to be sorry too.
for showing me one of the most incredible people in this fucking world.
for putting in front of me one of the best people I’ve ever met.
and yet… for letting me slip away.
to my retreat.
of nothingness.
of emptiness.
for not letting it work.
not because of time… or the distance… but because of me.

I don’t really remember how long that silence lasted for.
the receiver went quiet.
my end when quiet.
and that was it.


love your neighbour
February 24, 2012

“you wouldn’t, wig. you wouldn’t”

it’s a question we all hear a lot really.

what it is that we invest most of our dreams into…
“what’s more important, your work overseas, or the people you love here?”

these days i’m not too sure what scares me the most.
that when i reflect on my life, i see how little of it is actually ‘me’.
that happiness isn’t a priority.
that my mind is constantly aching to become the person i wish i was…
in line with the needs of humanity.

“i suppose we all would like to believe that we listen to the people that we love. when people ask me what’s the most important thing to me… i’ll answer God, and my family and my friends. but how fucking true really is that? how many times andy, have i let my family down because i’m at an oaktree event… or studying for an exam… or on a come down from exhaustion? and i don’t regret it. at all. i should but i don’t. because if they asked me to stop, i’d do what i’ve always done… i’d ignore it. and yet, in that same breath, if anyone from oaktree asked me to give up my family: again, i’d never allow that to happen. because…. i suppose… neither are the enemy. but at the same time, i’d let go of the thing that compromised my purpose in this world”

i knew there was little sense in my rambles.

“you wouldn’t give it all up, wig…. you wouldn’t”
yes… yes i would.
i think that’s what scares me the most.
does that make me heartless.

when divided
February 14, 2012

i think there is something about valentines day that I seem to miss…

something important


destroy from the inside
February 13, 2012

the sun had set
leaving that deep teal wash over the bay
i don’t seem to remember much these days
things blur from one moment to the next so quickly
and for a while now i’ve been playing catch up.

you had my hand one moment,
and the next we were wrestling through the sand…
layers separating us from the cold.
i wonder what people would think if they saw us from a distance…

 what would i think if i saw us from a distance?

do those two people know what they’ve found?
do they know how lost they’ve become along the way?

is it possible?

“i want to be a good girlfriend to you”

right now… i just have no idea what the fuck that means.

February 13, 2012

“you grow, you grow
like tornado
you grow from the inside”

snuggly pie
February 13, 2012

i miss you.
the way you were.
the way you are.

“i didn’t want to let you go”

screaming it.
over and over and over.

“i didn’t want to let you go”

if we let go now,
then why didn’t we do it
a long time ago.

i still read your blog.
but i know you won’t post.

i really do miss you.