Archive for October, 2011

oh the joys of my life
October 31, 2011

she runs through the corridor
arms swinging madly.
screaming ‘CATELLLLYNNN…. CATELYN!!!!”
she tears around the door into my room
stands in front of me
like a proud child in full glory
“SHE ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK FIRST!”
and concludes the scene with a pelvic thrust.
only then does she realize that she is standing in her underwear,
still wearing her Halloween makeup.

I could seriously write a whole trilogy of novels…
based on the weird shit my friends do.

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here’s to goodbye
October 30, 2011

when I was twelve years old, as my mum pulled away from my primary school, I burst into tears.
up until that moment I hadn’t cried.
but as we pulled away, I couldn’t help but feel the easiest years were over,
and that high school would be absolutely shit.
I must have been a pretty fucking smart twelve year old,
because for the most part, I was pretty right.
high school wasn’t exactly great.
cold early mornings to catch the bus.
late nights.
skipping meals.
skipping class.
competitions.
short school dresses.
drifting around the school at lunch.
kissing Gerard in the corridors after the bell.
dating jocks.
sneaking out.
a phase of agnosticism.
getting off the bus and walking to the beach.
fights with girls.
taking too many photos.
and somehow managing to avoid first hand contact with alcohol.

Leaving that high school made me leave behind a lot of what had defined me.
again… there were a lot of tears.
for the people I’d met.
and for the lessons I had learned.
collegiate was a different scenario

Stressful.
prestigious.
expectations.
but an environment where it was okay to try hard
and to want to succeed.
it was here that I began to re-create the person I wanted to be one day.
I began to see my days in the context of the whole life I was leading.

And now…
as I filter through the ramblings of those who are also preparing for the week to come,
I find myself in a similar place to them.
every time I’ve thought about it I’ve felt these weird butterflies
unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
mainly because this is the biggest thing I’ve ever had to let go of.
these final weeks are what every single one of those years has amounted to…
all of those tests, and study revisions…
all of those public speaking lessons and essays and assignments and tears and tantrums and As and Cs…
all of it… has come down to these final breathing moments.

This time I find myself on the brink of tears.
yes, I’ll cry for the fear, I’ll cry for the people I’ve met and I’ll cry for what I have learnt.
but more than that I’ll cry for the finality of this week.
for reaching the completion of the biggest commitment I’ve made thus far.
for saying “yes… I’m fucking exhausted… but it was worth every moment. And I’d do it all again in a heartbeat”
for murmuring a goodbye, that I’ve looked forward to and dreaded for all of these years.

dear scared, worried and clingy 12 year old self
I hope you’re proud of what you became.
kindest regards,
your 18 year old self…
still scared, still worried, but completely ready.

here we go.
the beginning of a very drawn out end.

 

weird mood
October 28, 2011

i very rarely want to physically hurt someone.
the few times I’ve punched people were in moments where people were being racist, or calling my sister a slut, or attacking me first.
last night though, i swear i could have gone out on a rampage.
she looked so fragile in the rain.
i’ve never seen her like it before.
I ran down the steps of the boarding house and waited as the rain began to fall.
by the time she got there we were both soaking.
exhausted, she stood there for a moment,
the orange light capturing her features
she took two steps and crumpled in my arms, her chest heaving in and out as she cried.

and we stood like that for a long time.
i’ve never seen her like that before.
she was hurting so badly that i could feel all the hurt welling up inside me too.

and i feel so powerless in making everything better.
people really frustrate me sometimes.

 

i come to you in pieces
October 27, 2011

please…
just tell me why.

so good
October 25, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzcRSr6PW_o

thinner than ever
October 24, 2011

definitely not against apple… but this is brilliant

deserts
October 24, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC77HGZLTkA&feature=player_embedded
absolutely fucking incredible.

conquer
October 24, 2011

the dalai lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity answered…

Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived

oh yes, you’ve hit the right nerve
October 23, 2011

“once when i was working for homeless people i came across a man in the gutter covered in his own shit… what does it look like to say that the beauty of a living God is in him? what would it feel like to truly see the co-existence of the ocean world with the land world (that you speak of), to walk in the threshold where the physical meets the spiritual, and to embrace the tension where the purest joy is partnered with a deep sacrificial sadness?”

let’s disappear
October 22, 2011

“i felt myself surrounded by millions of abandoned pages, by worlds and souls without an owner sinking in an ocean of darkness, while the world that throbbed outside the library seemed to be losing its memory, day after day, unknowingly, feeling all the wiser the more it forgot”  –Carlos Ruiz Zafon