Archive for December, 2010

and the words we left behind
December 28, 2010

when i read that moons borrow light from stars, i too (along with the character in my book) became fascinated with splitting the human race into moons and stars.
stars burn. they give light.
moons appreciate the light. they give it meaning.
i had little doubt that i was a moon.
to begin with.
after an over-analytical phone call with ruby, i started thinking about it a lot more. and the more i thought about it, the more i began to think that perhaps we aren’t just one. perhaps we change. as ruby pointed out later on: it’s unhealthy to be feeding someone all the time, but unhealthy to be doing the feeding all the time.
and i thought that perhaps i was once a star. burning. but eventually when it grew difficult i just became fascinated in the borrowing of light. i began hating the competition of burning.
reading more about the universe in a different book, i learnt something further. a thing in the universe called ‘wanderers’… found by the ancient greek… five stars that moved across the sky each night. the greek word for ‘wanderers’? ‘plenetes’… or planets.
while i don’t think i’m a planet… as science has uncovered so much more about them… i do believe that i’m a wanderer.
there are those who are definitely stars.
and those who are definitely moons.
but every so often you come across these wanderers… who were once seen as stars… but weren’t quite right for that explanation. who changed their path each night and couldn’t be chartered for quite some time.
perhaps it’s okay to be half moon and half star.

i find the world above us so deeply intriguing.

formalities
December 21, 2010

“when you miss something, you know it’s worth something.” – sergeant

tickled by life
December 19, 2010

“when you wake up in the morning you swing your legs to the edge of the bed and you put your feet on the ground and you stand up. you don’t scoot to the end of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is there. the floor is always there. until it’s not” -will grayson, will grayson

into the wild
December 9, 2010

today you’re nervous to meet some of my friends.
and I remember when I was nervous to meet yours.
parts of you and parts of me.
almost as though sharing them will risk a divide between us.
I love you because you let me give you the full impact of every word I say
I love you because you feel my intensity.
more to the point, I love you because you understand that intensity.
and you never seem to mind it.

please… let’s just cut the crap, by a house next to a lake,
and play in bubbles like these for the rest of eternity.

you wouldn’t understand because you’re not french
December 9, 2010

my dad used to always say you were his favourite of all my friends.
he said even though he hadn’t known you very long, you made him smile and laugh.
your intelligence always surprised him.
I remember when we sat the IQ tests.
mine was above average.
yours? Superior.
I was always so proud of that.
it made you so clever and witty.
to be honest, I think that’s what added to my love for you,
how happy you made my family when you were over.
I keep thinking about all the fucking stupid things we used to do.
the clip game? Who in their right mind would play such a sadistic game?
and when you hijacked your brother’s walky talkies so we could talk to each other while I was in maths methods and you were in cooking.
we kept using them after school too. Before debating.
I remember all the stupid tantrums we threw over our dumb year nine maths assignment.
and our obsession with beards and fortune cookies.
I remember parading around with you at school.
we were the coolest kids on earth hey?
it’s funny. I said the other day when I was walking to school with a friend down here
I said ‘it feels like I’ve never been anywhere else other than collegiate’.
and I can’t quite figure out if I really meant it.
how did we slip so damn far apart,
and not even realise it?
I had a dream last night that we were all at an airport.
and I didn’t walk up to you.
because you were hugging your best friends.
and I wasn’t one of them.

this one’s for you
December 9, 2010

have you ever listened to the rain on a tin roof?

ever laid on that tin roof, letting your body be soaked,
and watched the clouds part to reveal stars?

tonight, I did so.
holding the hand of one of my closest friends.
in moments like these, i realise how truly lucky i am

let us fly free on the wings
December 9, 2010

“it’s risk and war… what we are heading towards” -winged creatures

heaven knows, i’m not that girl
December 8, 2010

it’s a cool place and they say it gets colder
you’re bundled up now but wait ’til you get older
but the meteor men beg to differ
judging by the hole in the satellite picture

the ice we skate is getting pretty thin
the waters getting warm so you might as well swim
my world’s on fire how about yours
that’s the way I like it and I never get bored

we all could use a little
December 8, 2010

when I was twelve years old I took surfing lessons.
it was one of the lame ‘ripcurl girls go surfing’ things
and I thought I was pretty cool doing it.
the instructor taught us how to stand up on the board.
how we get on our knees first, then stand to our feet.
he also taught us the other way.
the slightly harder way.
going straight from laying to standing.
to be honest, I didn’t try doing it that way, once.
I could blab on about noble reasons as to why,
but at the end of the day, it was because I didn’t want to make a fuckhead of myself.

I’ve just gotten back from the oaktree national conference.
and with no surprises, it was incredible.
words just can’t explain the kind of things I learnt.
the kind of things I did.
so many people all working towards a goal,
that is far greater than any mediocre goal I’ve ever had.
and the people…
every single person there had the kind of intelligence I can’t comprehend.
law students. Engineering students. Students of science. Economics. Business.
and I’m sitting in skills workshops, or sessions… or even running around in a scavenger hunt, thinking
‘these people are fucking incredible’.
more than that… I found myself wanting to become these people when I’m out of school.
mel and I were the only underage people at the conference.
so being among all of these older, more intelligent and far more experienced people made me wake up to how little I had let my life become.
partly because I have been ‘busy’, but mostly because I have been far too afraid of getting things wrong.
despite all the questions I ask my peers, and how much I have learned from so many different people this year; there is still so much more I can be opened up to.
and I realised that I’m tired of safety blanketing myself.
I want to fuck up next year.
I want to cry when i’ve got things wrong.
I want to make mistakes.
and more than anything I want to have high expectations of myself,
and I want to be disappointed.
 I want to be taught.
I think I was testing myself when I planned everything for Melbourne.
usually my parents just plan everything for me.
not this time though
and hey, it may not be economics, but it’s a start.
being at the conference… gave me a kind of confidence I thought I’d lost a long time ago.

so. when I got on a surfboard for the first time in about five years,
I realised I wasn’t afraid.
and instead of being piss weak, I just tried it straight away.
laying. To standing
I wasn’t a ninja at it… unlike henry or bryn or ryan.
and I certainly wasn’t like jo who got it first go.
I was like catelyn.
who looked like a dork doing it, but got it in the end.
and with henry throwing me over his shoulders at the end of the session; happily dipping me into the waves;  I felt real.
I think it was on Saturday night,
at about 1 in the morning,
that I realised it.
surrounded by one hundred and fifty drunken uni students,
singing and swaying to the typical ‘classics’,
I realised that right now I’m exactly where I need to be,
and for the first time in a long time;
i know exactly where I want to go.