Archive for October, 2010

that’s where we meet
October 31, 2010

sunny days,
sweeping the clouds away…
on my way,
to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get…
how to get to sesame street?


we’ve seen everything to see
October 30, 2010

another ugly bird in this beautiful cage

i’d never have the courage
October 30, 2010

Dear Mum and Dad.
My day was alright yesterday.
I’m alright.
And I know I’m far away,
but see, I’m okay.
I went to the beach yesterday afternoon.
And I thought about home.
The other weekend I went to Devonport.
You know that though.
Yeah, you thought I was crazy for travelling so far in two days.
And you wondered why I didn’t come home.
And I knew why I didn’t go home.
But I didn’t say anything.
I never say anything.
And the air smelled of sea salt.
So I thought about home.
Just a little bit.
I’m sorry Mum and Dad.
Sorry that I’m here. And you’re all the way over there.
I’m okay.
Summer will be alright.
You will teach me to drive.
You finally said you would teach me.
I almost wish you hadn’t.
Because it would mean you still thought I was your baby.
I’ve put on a bit of weight for you Dad.
Remember I said that on the phone?
I should talk to you and Mum a bit more.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I don’t talk to you.
Shit, I’m sorry I don’t come home.
And I’m sorry that when I come home, I’m not me
And I’m too tired.
And sometimes I cry a bit.
But I never let you make me feel better.
I’m just trying to make you proud Dad.
I’m studying really hard.
Because I know that you miss me.
And sometimes you cry a bit.
Or your voice chokes up on the phone.
And I know I miss you.
And I know that I miss home so much.
Every day.
And I know we all hurt, Dad.
We’ve all lost parts of ourselves.
I don’t know where I lost mine,
but I know that I can’t find what I lost,
back home.
I’m sorry Dad.
Sorry Mum…
I’ll be home soon.
With love,
your daughter.

“i would rather it happen to me… than anyone else”
October 26, 2010

Do you ever get tired of it?
tests done here.
And appointments over there.
blood taken.
blood given.
testing and testing.
God knows what will happen if they find something.
They have found something twice before already.
And to me, that sort of thing is incomprehensible.
The shock.
The pain.
The struggle.
The suffering.
That nagging feeling that you will always get.
With every bruise you can’t recall getting.
Or every time you can’t seem to muster enough energy to stand.
tests done here.
and more appointments.
There are always appointments.
not to mention memories.
times in hospital.
times out of hospital.
the people you met.
and people you lost.
To me, that sort of thing is incomprehensible.
befriending a person, who will die so soon.
the shock.
the pain.
the struggle.
the suffering.
That constant nagging.
The reality of life… and of death
Always nagging.
it never ends.
Tests done here….
more fucking appointments.
Doesn’t it tire you out?
It would tire me out.
I’m tired… and it isn’t even me.

God knows i’m trying my best, but i’m just so tired of this loneliness
October 25, 2010

you were scribbling all over my work, as usual.
‘yes’, you’d written on one of the pages.
and sketched a box around it.
i gave you this look… as though you could read what my mind was questioning.
yes what?

what’s the first song
October 24, 2010

You can’t shape ponds and dams into intricate patterns.
You can dig out what you want.
Make the pattern into the dirt.
But at the end of the day, you don’t know how much rain will fall… or how much water you need to fill the pond with.
That part is not within our control.
The dirt breaks down when it becomes mud, banks sink… the shape breaks.
People are like ponds.
We can give ourselves this… this shape.
And set out the kind of person we want to be.
We can have these intricate layouts…
Make the patterns in our hearts… or our minds.
But at the end of the day, we won’t know how much rain will fall… or where it comes from.
Whether it will be good rain… bad rain… a storm…
Sometimes our hearts or our minds break down when they become mud… our banks sink.
And our shape?
It breaks.
It’s okay though… because we’re full.
Full of things we didn’t control.

we were meant to live for so much more
October 19, 2010

as I began to snuggle into my bed last night,
I found a note that someone had written me
‘love yourself’ was written in capital letters.

feeling overwhelmed with this sense of being completely alone,
I whispered ‘I can’t’ to myself, and sat the note on my bedside table.

October 19, 2010

‘memories play in mind to please me
or do they only play in my mind to tease me?
and I lay here wondering where you are,
when you aren’t in my mind’

i want to be
October 16, 2010

There is something remarkably beautiful about celebrations
this weekend I went to a selection of different celebrations.
The first was a close friends 17th,
the second a ‘World Party’
and the third, a man’s 70th.
And it was funny, because all three of them were so different.
From Mel’s, where we were dancing like maniacs… teenagers washing down drinks, slowly getting drunker. Listening to fast techno music or some (as Mel and I like to call them), cruisy tunes.
To the World Party, where I learnt to greek dance, with so many rich cultures in the one area. Not to mention the types of music… representing different the diversity in our state.
To the 70th, where the elderly stood around sipping their red wine, whilst I served them fruits and cheeses… a gental jazzy number playing in the background.
Listening to the different conversations or jokes.
Watching the smiles.
The laughter.
All interacting, in the way they felt comfortable.
There is something remarkably beautiful about celebrations,
they are almost reflective in a way.
not always just reflective of the thing that is being celebrated, but more so, the people who are celebrating that thing.
And in this sense, we give meaning to the word ‘party’.
In that ‘partying’ can only be done with the people we love.
Nothing more… nothing less.

find the page that says we’re old
October 14, 2010

“Don’t you think it’s time
Time for showing grace
Time for having faith
Time to make more of this time

You’ve been on my mind
Oh you’ve been on my mind
You’ve been on my mind
Oh you’ve been on my mind”