Archive for September, 2010

inescapable
September 27, 2010

you’re thinking about happiness. Maybe it’s a place. Somewhere you escape to. Maybe it’s just smells. Maybe it’s a memory. You think… and time evaporates into nothingness. Absent mindedly your thought flickers into different places, as thoughts always do. Happiness… to something else… into something else. And somehow, you find yourself thinking about a person. and… well it isn’t the usual ‘person’ thoughts. Not the usual ‘I think about you all the time’ thoughts… because instead of just picturing them in your mind… or imagining them… you truly feel them. every emotion… or expression. If you find them in their smell, you feel exactly as you would if their scent was around you. or if you find them in a memory… it’s as though you’re right back there. At that moment. And the happiness, floods into every part of your body. You feel that raw emotion… a smile… or a laugh. Sometimes the sting of pain. To be connected to someone so deeply that their presence in your mind, can re-create them. To be connected so deeply to someone, that close to every thought of happiness stumbles into the thought of them… well… I guess that’s what i think love is.

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how long could you hang onto a word?
September 25, 2010

the eyes that are just begging me for more.
this is gone and I can see it
your head is full of words,
full of words that don’t mean anything.

the nights along
September 25, 2010

“it takes a thought to make a word”
thank you edmund

maybe it’s just the way
September 25, 2010

tonight, whilst talking to renee, we became curious as to why the heart is symbolic of love.
being me… i googled it… and someone had asked a similar question on yahoo answers.

“the heart has been used as the symbol of love for so long historians can’t even accurately trace it’s true beginnings.
it’s probably because it kind of sits at the center of the body… and love should be the center of all things?”

it’s funny… that even in that answer, the person had asked another question.
love is pretty foreign to all of us… yet i can’t recall a day where i haven’t felt its presence in my life.
i said it in my letter to bert… but it really is true:
i’m a hopeless romantic.
and i love it

‘whatever works’… be wary of spoilers
September 25, 2010

“that’s why I can’t say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace… whatever works.”

It was one of the most bizarre movies I have watched.
(what could you expect from a woody allen movie)
the characters… were all really glossed up and fake, to the point where you didn’t like any of them
the storyline hardly went anywhere
none of the characters connected with any other character
and it went against about 90% of my beliefs…
yet it has been one of my favourite films.
I wouldn’t have had a lot of tolerance for it if lots of people hadn’t recommended it.
and to be honest, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, unless I knew that they had a lot of tolerance when it came to movies.
but it was truly amazing in its own qualities.
more or less… it’s about bullshit.
and I put it so bluntly, because the movie in essence, is really really blunt.
the whole time, you feel like someone is rubbing sandpaper on your skin.
I hated all the characters… and thus I couldn’t find any happiness in the film.
there were no climaxes.
no resolutions.
it was basically like the election this year.
where every alternative was the lesser of two evils.
I didn’t like that melody left her husband… but at the same time I didn’t like her husband.
and I hated that the movie had this cynical undertone.
but as it was stated in the opening part of the film,
if I wanted to ‘feel good’ I would be better off getting a foot massage.
the movie was slamming every other movie that tries to tell us what to believe. The characters were all fakely trying to convince us that they had found happiness.
when life isn’t like that.
instead of being a brutally honest movie… it was brutally fake… and thus it made me uncomfortable and nauseated the whole way through.
yet at the same time I was compelled to understand it.
the movie is called ‘whatever works’… and the main character just keeps plowing through the film saying ‘whatever works’…
and I think that’s why the movie is so hard to watch.
everything is so inadequate. We ourselves, often feel inadequate. But we still work.
and if we ‘work’… we can keep moving.
if something works, and you have a need for it… then why not use it?
if an alternative comes along… and it works for you… then why not take the chance?
it’s not a way of ‘living’ your life… it’s a way of dealing with it
‘whatever works’…

“all I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so you may as well relax.”

we make believe it’s real
September 25, 2010

“what if… what if everything we ever imagined… was really true. But we just didn’t know it… what if we knew more than we thought we did?”
“i like that”

she’s one of my best friends.
the other night… i was down.
and I could barely think straight.
it took her three words to make me sit up out of bed.
she didn’t know I was curled up in bed.
and she didn’t know I was sad.
‘the time is now’
was all her message said.
‘the time is now’.
and I told her everything.
and she came to see me, straight after school yesterday.
see the funny thing is, is that I feel like a nemo egg when I’m around her.
you know the moment in Finding Nemo where marlin has nemo as an egg in his fins.
and he rolls him around gently and tells him he’s safe….
she makes me feel like a baby nemo egg rolling around in her fins.
almost like she’s saying ‘don’t be silly catelyn… you’re not falling, because I wouldn’t let you fall’.

singing and skipping through the park
our usual ‘how many sauces do you want ruby?’ routine… where we sneakily stealth out 5 sachets
laying on our backs at rectango listening to the music and talking about deep things
daydreaming about our futures… our baby willow
her giving me her somewhat dodgy predictions… that funnily enough, seem to come true.
finishing each other’s sentences
breaking into song
and our stupid schemes…

seriously… one day ruby and I will fearlessly tackle this world.
and until that day… life is merely preparation.

beyond the rainbow
September 23, 2010

“I walked a hundred miles so I could hear them play your song on the radio.”


my infinity withers
September 20, 2010

“I liked your thoughts on vulnerability. I think you’re right: the human experience is unavoidably vulnerable. I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that none of us are who we want o be exactly. I think vulnerability is something to do with powerlessness. The word comes from the Latin vulnerare and essentially means ‘to be wounded’. And so we are all vulnerable because we are all susceptible to being wounded – physically, of course we are vulnerable, because we are masses of soggy matter that are liable to fall to pieces at the infliction of simple attacks. Emotionally we are vulnerable too because we each seem to carry a far that we are not good enough, and every insult or blunder or trip-in-the-street seem to hint at the confirmation that we are, indeed, pathetic beings. However, we do have some power, some ability to protect ourselves: we are able to pretend… alas; while these pretences can protect us from hurt, they also seem to deprive us of the ability to be known truly.”

i assure you, when i read this letter i was deeply in shock
of the power and… insecurity of every word that was placed on the page.
i would never blog the private feelings that were shared,
but trust me when i say this,
his letter, changed parts of my heart.

questions
September 19, 2010

some things just give me strength…

slow down for me
September 19, 2010

one night whilst catching a bus, I was looking out into the city,
at the little tiny lights everywhere.
and I wondered which was yours.
for a long time I played a game with myself.
to pick the light that would be yours.
it would always be the brightest or prettiest one,
despite its location.
until one day, when I was too tired to play,
and decided that they were all your little lights.
the city was illuminated by and for, you.
and I played that game for so long…
I only stopped… recently.
because I realised that people muck up,
feelings are shit,
and sometimes you just have to move on.