ignorance

Exhaustion:  (also called fatigue, lethargy, languidness, languor, lassitude, and listlessness) is a state of awareness. It can describe a range of afflictions, varying from a general state of to a specific work-induced burning sensation within one’s muscles. It can be both physical and mental. The point of complete depletion, of the state of being used up; Supreme tiredness; having exhausted energy.

It is funny, I have known what this word means for so long, yet last night put a new meaning to it. it’s 4:55am actually. And I have a feeling I have slept all I can. This is as good as it is going to get, to put it simply.

I sent messages to cheg and lauren. There was a possibility there for a while that I was going to be taken to the hospital. Not because I was sick, but because I was so tired I couldn’t even stand up.

I had been trying to sleep since no joke 7:15. First on the floor, on my back looking to the ceiling. Then in my bed. I tried relaxation techniques; tensing muscles then releasing them. But this is what caused muscle aching and an incapability of walking.

By 8:40, I had collapsed in Kate’s door. I couldn’t stand so she held me up. She took me back to bed with a sick bag that I filled up almost instantly. I tried sleeping again. No luck.

My muscles got more and more tired. At about 10:10pm, I walked to the duty office. It took me a while, and I looked like a fag holding things as I walked. I wanted to stay at my sister’s house overnight. I figured she could somehow get me to sleep. As it was so late, Issy said it wasn’t the best idea and walked me to bed again. She played with my hair and told me to think about neutral things, like ‘colours’. I did… I wrote some acrostic poetry about colours… how I felt about fucking colours. haha shittest poetry I have ever written, but it meant that I finally got to sleep.

The funny thing about this whole experience, is that every moment of the evening… every text or sip of water I took, felt like I was dreaming as I did it. I felt as though the real world had slipped through my body and it was just floating. But not a light sort of floating… a floating where my mind and body had completely separated. I kept saying, ‘I’m just tired… I’m just really really tired’. Yet I couldn’t piece together why, I had done no study all day, and slept for the majority of it. Yet, this is one of the most exhausted feelings I have ever felt. My mind was still so active, yelling at me to get up and open a text book. But I couldn’t.  I was, as you say: used up.

I hate that this thing called exhaustion can control me. That I couldn’t do what I needed to last night, not because I wasn’t motivated, but because I was tired beyond measures. I hate it that I wanted so badly to just keep going and I physically couldn’t. But more than anything I hate that I drove myself to be like that. And I knew I was doing it. It was a slow outcome that I brought on myself.

Exhaustion: the reflection of mistakes you make.

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