beats for only

A good friend posted a blog about self control.
it really made me ask myself, whether I had any.
as those who know me will realise, it was a pretty stupid question.
because from a semi-early age I have dealt with any confrontation by silently ignoring it for as long as it gets to me.
just the other night I let my mum yell at me in the car, that she wanted me to come back home; whilst ruby and mel were sitting in the back seat.
and what do I do to defend myself?
how do I respond?
“I’m sorry… can we talk about this later”
when really I wanted to scream right back at her and give a teenage tantrum.
we never did ‘talk about it later’, and I made sure of it.
when someone is annoying me on the phone; I make a polite excuse why I have to leave and hang up.
when someone hurts me; and this is the sort of self control that I can’t stand about myself; I will never, ever tell them what I’m really thinking or how I’m really feeling.
see it’s easy to keep your mouth shut when you’re angry.
words said in anger mean virtually nothing;
but when I’m sad, because of something that happened it’s harder.
I begin to feel as though the bad thoughts are becoming my normal thoughts.
and with every part of myself I want a scapegoat for feeling the shit emotions.
to the point where I will blame anyone.
anyone who won’t help me feel better.
and this isn’t another blog about how much I can’t stand myself,
or to make you feel sorry for my warped obsession with self control.
to some extent it’s something I can change; it’s just easier if I don’t.
                          emotions have consequences

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